Silver Linings
In this era of the pandemic, I must admit that I have entered the ranks of those who’ve increased their practice of scanning the horizon for all signs of light—for any silver lining at all. This is the reason I was pleased when the Chicago Tribune ran a feature article the other day about families who were managing their COVID-19 confinement better than expected.
The piece, which surveyed 500 U.S. Moms, reported that 59% believed the Coronavirus quarantine had helped them grow closer to their daughters. “Out of all possible relationships in the home,” the study’s author said, “this was the one that was really flourishing.”
As a mother, daughter, and clinical psychologist, I was curious: Who were these mothers; how old were their girls; were the results statistically significant? Then I brushed my skepticism aside. Why mess with such a positive story?
Sitting in my kitchen, I reflected on my long-ago experience of mothering a girl-child. What did flourishing look like for the Moms and daughters in this study? After all, developing and sustaining healthy mother-daughter relationships, as is true for all parenting, demands work and some good fortune. We learn from the experts—and quite often from our own intuition—that these dances of connection require much thought.
As mothers, we are called upon to master the steps that tell us when to pull our girls close, and when to step back and allow emotional separation to occur. And we are told that we should accomplish this even as the tempo of the music changes continually. There must be a legion of tired Moms right now, swaying and twirling even as they believe that they’ve been saddled with two left feet.
A memory of caring for my colicky child after her birth edged its way to the fore as I read. How many times did I wish I could leave her on a neighbor’s doorstep? Or jump in my car to bail out on this job with her? As many of you will agree, surviving such episodes constituted nothing short of a marvel.
Having a daughter plagued by this medical problem underscored the importance of refusing to abandon my post as comforter-in-chief. My role, as seminal researcher David Winnicott proposed when he defined the term “a good-enough mother,” was to provide my girl with a stable presence allowing her to develop a sense of trust and safety.
Easier said than done. Not all of us come into motherhood with the experience of having been nurtured during our childhoods. So, we practice. We share Mama stories, train on the job, look back to our own relationships with the mother who guided us (or didn’t) to better understand what flourishing actually means.
Learning that it’s about more than being able to enjoy one another’s company, we must also recognize that it’s not about becoming our daughter’s “best friend.” We discover that a relationship with our “chick” may well be easier and more successful when our daughter is nine instead of fifteen—and that the tumult brought about by adolescence can make it harder to judge whether our attempts at rapport are actually taking hold at all. Which stage of development we are in influences what to expect and how to respond.
Why not have a Zoom yoga for Moms and their teen girls? Or do a mother-daughter book club? How about a relaxed conversation on a low-key topic while sharing a walk? Some Moms rejoice that the Coronavirus shutdown affords them new opportunities to “see” their girls with clarity and for their girls to “see” them, as well. And isn’t that perhaps the best definition of what real blossoming looks like?
The news article portrayed what can happen for mothers and daughters when they transform dark clouds into silver linings. What bright spots those are, indeed, and how lucky we are to have them. Viewed through the larger lens of the dance created when we connect, maybe they are not just silver—but gold.
Best,
